A Week Alone

For those of you begging for exotic stories of a new life in Africa, I'm sorry to disappoint.  I watched 8 episodes of Dave Chappelle Season 1 between Monday and Tuesday of last week.  I had a visitor on Wednesday night, Ralph the Gecko, who is protecting me from mosquitoes.  I started then finished reading the Sex Lives of Cannibals: Adrift in the Equatorial Pacific, which is just as self-absorbed as this blog and has nothing to do with consuming human flesh (and I emphatically suggest you do not read it).  And today I'm here with Americo, our Empregado, waiting for the landlord (Dono?) to bring a wrench so they can trouble shoot our lack of running water.

I spent most of last week alone in Beira.  My activities, besides the above, consisted of: 

• staring at our offensive peach walls
• moping about my house-bound status
• wondering where I could find some protein that didn't include chopping off a fish head
• lamenting my scarcity of friends
• dreaming of the day when Shoprite will carry edible chicken breasts
• venturing to the vegetable market
• and conjugating various forms of the verb 'to be' in Portuguese 

All told it was a good but boring week.  I watched the inauguration - which filled my spirit with a sense of lightness but simultaneously gave me insight into a few foreigners' negative views of the US (more on that later).  I began my Portuguese classes with an intelligent and patient Professora, Albertina, at the Catholic University.  (She has given me an immense sense of respect for anyone speaking more than one language fluently.  Who would have thought learning to explain "the notebook is under the teacher's desk" would be so difficult?).  Finally, I enjoyed a pleasant 3-hour ride in an air-conditioned truck through the verdant hills of Chimoio, escaping the fecal humidity of Beira and reuniting with Joe.  We celebrated with a tasty chorizo pizza, deep friend Chamussas and a few bottles of 2M beer - which broke my pattern of pasta, potatoes and undercooked green lentils.

Still, I woke on Friday feeling abnormally agitated.  My therapist had visited me in my dreams (never a good sign) - driving my sister's first car, a maroon Chevy Chevette.  He offered to give me a lift to an underground pharmacy and when I declined the dream morphed into the chaos of car chase scenes involving Volkswagen Cabriolets and vintage Beetles.  Luckily I found safety in a shopping mall Starbucks, where my entire family awaited my arrival as they comfortably sipped lattes and had a good laugh.  Analyze that.  

Dreams are obviously a manifestation of the day's happenings, worries and wants.  My sleep is constantly disrupted by a longing to connect with others.  The malaria pills don't help with this anxiety.  I'm frustrated with my isolation here.  I realize my situation will improve as a I begin to gain confidence and knowledge of Portuguese, but as of today I cannot communicate with many people.  And I don't have a job (that teaching English gig did not work out).  Not speaking, not working and depending on others for simple life tasks such as calling a taxi, ordering food or buying paint can really make you feel useless.  

There are many European and American ex-pats in the NGO realm here in Beira, but I've had a difficult go at developing a genuine rapport with most of them.  I'm disgusted with my self-pity, but I'm still going to take a moment to whine.  At times I feel as if my unemployed, ex-corporate drone, grad school applicant status makes me a leper in their eyes.  I admire their dedication to their various causes (women's health, HIV/AIDS, etc.) but oddly they are an obnoxiously self-consumed bunch.  (The fact that I am being a judgmental hypocrite is not lost on me).  I've been so bored at times that I find myself over-analyzing their righteousness.  Perhaps it's an attempt at self-preservation.  Perhaps they struggle daily with conflicting thoughts of guilt and hope.  Or maybe it is difficult to reconcile their status and wonderful quality of life with the lives of the populations they serve.   

I was hopeful that inauguration night would be my chance to foster some new relationships - around a common purpose - since I was attending a party with many NGO people I had not met.  But for all of the evening's obvious inspiration it was equally infuriating.  I found myself offended by generalizations about Americans that forced me into 'me vs. them' conversations, such as:

• ITALIAN HOST:  "The entire US is to blame for Bush" 
• ME:  "Hey, did anyone watch the coverage of the 2000 election?  Did you know that we didn't elect Bush?"
• ITALIAN HOST:  "Everyone in the US is ethnocentric, war mongering and ignorant" (ok, so I did put 'mongering' in there)
• ME:  "Did anyone see coverage of citizen war protests?  Or hear about the recanting of support for the Iraq War by several members of Congress?  Or note that Bush's approval ratings plummeted?"
• COLUMBIAN-AMERICAN:  "No one in Generation X in the US cares about anything but materialism and self-interest.  When I was getting my citizenship I was ashamed to be American.  I just took my papers and ran out of the office.  Only now will I call myself an American."  
• ME (internally):  "Didn't you tell me two days ago that you were lucky to live in the US because of the great, free education you were granted.  And weren't you just extolling the State of Massachusetts for fostering your personal development as a Latina through after school programs and Affirmative Action?"
• ME (externally):  "Don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration?  Would you agree that many industrialized nations have the same type of problem across generations?  We're raised to be consumers, but I'm not sure that makes us evil."
• COLUMBIAN-AMERICAN:  blank stare
• ME (what I wish I had said after discussing this with someone else, and I'll admit I'm regurgitating a great point he made):  "Do you really think you get to choose when to be a citizen and when not to be when it's convenient for you?"

And so it went.  

Let's be honest, we have had a problem with our national education standards as it relates to US and World History as well as global current events.  Standards in US education seem to focus more on math and english (which are clearly important) but not so much on creating a standard of critical thinking skills.  I personally recall 4 years of high school history beginning with the Ottoman Empire, breezing past Napoleon, diving into the Civil War, and then skimming the surface of World War II. 

If I had one wish it would be for a healthy dialog with the foreigners and locals here in Mozambique.   Rather than reciting a dissertation on the generic reasons the US is inherently evil, tell me about the state of your public education and health care systems and how we may learn from you.  Why are they succeeding politically, socially, and economically?  Give me a detailed example of how US economic policy has negatively impacted your economy and how citizens are reacting today (I know we're guilty of cruel economic injustices and sanctions).  Explain to me how your country's global funding strategies to fight poverty and disease are different or better than US policies.  Don't personally attack me as an American with a 10 minute diatribe on the problems with PEPFAR when you know I'm not an HIV/AIDS expert. Tell me what you would change and how you are becoming part of a new solution.  Finally, consider seeking opinions other than your own.  They may be wrong or not as informed as yours, but it's nice to have a balance.